In which nothing is quite right

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Top H&M, Skirt Primark, Studded Flip flops River Island.

I am having a huge problem finding time/energy to blog. AND I am having camera woes, I have 2 little digital cameras, one of which is good for taking pictures of things and people from afar but shit for full length pictures using my trusted balancing camera on cooker method. the camera that IS good for camera on cooker is nowhere to be found. Therefore these were taken with a fuck off big old olympus beast, and as the middle picture testifies, is a tricky bugger to focus on self timer. Sam hasn’t been about to take my pictures recently either, he was at home in Norfolk for a few days and then was right back into work, although we did get to spend 4 hours together (involuntarily) at work because I had to work on my day off (We work together) yesterday. but work time is not quality time at all. so I am harrumphing in general recently due to various things:

> work, right when I think it is going well things go wrong. I genuinely wish I could share with you all some stories from the hotel I work in, it’d make your jaws drop in horror. As much as I can say is this: in the last 2 months we have had 1 suicide attempt, 2 (unfounded and unproven) allegations of theft (insurance jobbies), 1 proposal, 1 60 something year old man evicted for stinking the place up with weed, 2 trashed rooms, and a homeless man barricading himself in a toilet (with a bottle of strongbow) smoking cigarettes and cleaning the floor.

>wedding, I am waiting for a quote for our potential reception venue. I just want to know what it is so we can decide if it is right for us, and until that has come back I cant get started on anything, and I had a huge hissy fit at poor old sam about it the other day (tears and all, and I NEVER cry) so that’s stressing me out

>weight, now normally I do not fuss to much about what I weigh, and in fact I still don’t, I just am not starting to look like what I weigh. does that make sense? It was all made worse when I ordered a dress online in a m/l (which was stated as a 12/14) as I wanted it to be loose fitting for summer, and the fucking thing does not do up! I’m not even a 12/14, i’m a bog standard 10 in most shops. So that pissed me off and now I am panicking I’ll look hideous in my very unforgiving wedding dress

>future, I don’t want to grow up. In some ways I feel like I’m still 20 with no responsibilities other than working and paying bills, and in other ways I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and realistically I don’t know where I will be in a year or twos time, because I wouldn’t be able to afford to support a family in Brighton (rent here is extortionate, let alone buying a house) and I don’t even know if I will be able to conceive yet due to PCOS. If we move to Norfolk (Where sam is from) then his mum and sister will be around, but I don’t want to live in their pockets, and my mum will be down here on the coast. We’ll;l never save enough for a deposit, how do people manage it? I left home at 18 and have supported myself ever since, but have nothing to show for it. I am an outgoing person, but what if I just don’t find anyone I get on with wherever we move…

I guess i’m just feeling mopey, and not without good cause I think, I just sometimes want SOMETHING to go right for me, for the bloody grey clouds to pass and a leeeetle bit of a sunbeam to shine upon me. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds from someone who is healthy(ish) and planning their wedding.

Anyway, I didn’t sit down to write all this, it just fell out of my brain, I was just going to post an outfit and a sorry I haven’t blogged in ages. This is my only outlet really so I have no need to apologise. Outfit details (sorry about feet!)

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16 Comments

  1. Danielle Rose
    4th June 2012 / 11:01 pm

    Hey lovely sosorry your so stressed and upset at the moment but it’s understandable. I can relate to some of the things you say.espesh the growing up issues. I’m worse off financially than I was when I was 16! If ever you need to talk to someone feelfree to email me. Hope things get better soon. Life can feel impossible sometimes xx

  2. Sophie - Country girl
    4th June 2012 / 11:19 pm

    argh feet!!! (instantly forgiven because I love you).
    I can completely understand why things are getting you down, if it was just one or two things they are manageable, but a mini mountain is quite suffocating 🙁
    I heard a quote saying something like “never look at the bigger picture, it will only distract you and drain your energy, focus on the small tasks one at a time” made sense to me. Also concluded that grown ups are just big kids pretending to be mature. I don’t feel a day over 18. Being a grown up aint all that. Sending you hugs anyway my dear and you know you can email me if you want someone to vent at, I’m a good listener, even if a shit talker x

  3. ButterflyBoo
    4th June 2012 / 11:24 pm

    Sorry things have been to stressy recently, I know how things can pile up and just feel like it’s all getting too much!
    Hopefully, it will get better soon. Once the little things can get solved then the bigger things will follow- it will seem like it’s so hard. but you’ll get through it.
    I hope you feel a lot better soon.
    All my love.
    Elizabeth xx

  4. Nomad
    5th June 2012 / 7:49 am

    Everyone has a right to be a bit down or stressed sometimes, no matter what their situation is. I can’t stand my job to the point of tears for example, but I don’t feel like I should be complaining as there are so many unemployed people my age. You just take it one day at a time and concentrate on the little things that make you smile. Venting is a good thing as well. Hope the sun shines on you soon 🙂 x

  5. 5th June 2012 / 2:27 pm

    I feel for you, Sometimes everything goes wrong. Wedding planning is stressful even when things go right, your weight is perfect! Work is always just another relm of stuff (which clearly you know!). Your outfit is adorable, and completely on point, you know I love those flip flops :).

    Keep your head held high! good luck with the next couple of months!

  6. Sparkly Flamingo
    5th June 2012 / 2:47 pm

    I love your outfit! I’m sorry to read you are feeling down at the moment 🙁 it is definitely good to vent though! I go through stages where I feel like this and it’s a horrible feeling. However, things always get better in the end, I am sure of it! 🙂 xxx

  7. Inez
    5th June 2012 / 5:27 pm

    Hope you de-stress soon dear. We all get weighed down by things every once in a while. It’ll pass.

  8. sophiewearing
    5th June 2012 / 6:10 pm

    You know my feelings on this pretty much along the lines of Nomad and Sophie. Stop aiming so high, give yourself small, manageable things as goals which will help lead to the big picture and in turn make you feel ike youve achieved stuff rather than making you feel overwhelmed. Love you. Stop being so hard on yourself. xx

  9. Blaming Beauty
    5th June 2012 / 7:47 pm

    Gorgeous outfit!xx

  10. Lauren
    5th June 2012 / 8:22 pm

    Hope you’re ok, you’ll look absolutely beautiful in your wedding dress! I always find things that are labelled s, m, l etc never fit to the size they’re supposed to be and I’m a 10 just like you. I’m sure everything will come together at some point it’s just you have a lot on at the moment xxx

  11. ilexica
    6th June 2012 / 4:23 pm

    If it makes you feel any better, I had an op last week and the effect of the anaesthetic was to make me spend three days crying my eyes out about how I won’t be able to have a future and nothing was right. A few days later and I’m feeling much better! All you can do is take one step at a time. I hope the glumness clears a bit soon and you feel more like tackling the world. xx

  12. Rosie
    7th June 2012 / 1:36 pm

    Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time at the moment, sounds like you have a lot on your mind and you could do with some chill days – I prescribe sofa and a box of chocolates! You will look gorgeous in your wedding dress; the sizing of that particular shop was probably just off; I can range from anything from a 10 to a 16 in high street shops so I try not to take too much notice of size labels. Oh, and you look lovely! X

    Rosie | A Rosie Outlook

  13. Pickle
    7th June 2012 / 7:14 pm

    Sweetheart I’m so sorry you’re feeling all under the weather and having a crappy time right now. I really hope you start to feel much better soon. Hopefully it’s just the grey weather giving you the blues and it will soon pass. Stay happy lovely! Adore your outfit. So much snuggles and love <3 xxxx

  14. ilexica
    8th June 2012 / 12:07 pm

    Oh and in other less important news I really like that top. Is it this season? I tried to order a beige version of that but when it came it had multi coloured rhinestones instead of studs (!) so it got taken right back and exchanged for two t-shirts. Bah.

  15. 8th June 2012 / 9:11 pm

    For some reason I always miss it when you post! I’m sorry you’re having a shitty time, it’s hard when it’s one thing after another. Work sounds horrific, I totally feel for you on that one! Hopefully you’ll have a nicer spell with it! I know exactly what you mean about the future, it’s weird to think of settling down properly, mortgages and what not! It’s all a bit serious! I still feel like I’m 15 and go to my Mum for EVERYTHING. Including (don’t laugh) how to turn the washing machine on! I guess my advice (how patronsing does that sound?!) would just take it as it comes, try not to worry, and the shitty things that happen, just hope that the good things will out weigh them! My favourite saying has become “it is, what it is” haha. Not so great advice, but you know what I mean! Sorry for the ramble! Feel better! xxx

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